Please, Water Me!

When I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, he put me on the blood pressure lowering medication HCTZ. It basically is a diuretic, so it pulls water out of my body in effort for me to not absorb too much salt and that brings down my blood pressure. The result is, I am thirsty and have to run to the potty all the time. It is just lovely the things medications do, isn't it? The truth is, I'm embarrassed to be on this medication; it feels like a punishment for all the bad choices I've made the past few years. All the trips to the local pizza buffet, the ooey-gooey German chocolate brownies from Ingles that I sneak out and buy from time to time, the evenings I chose to stay home and sit on the couch instead of taking a walk -- but today, all I really want is water.

The past two times I've gone out walking, the second half of my walks have been done in the rain. Just when I started to get tired and obsessively look at the clock on my phone, it started to rain, bringing refreshment to me. The rain added another dimension to my walk today. I chose to try the "blue" path on the Mountains to Sea trail at the Blue Ridge Parkway Visitor Center. Finally, I found a perfect trail near my house! It is challenging, but doable and surrounded by beautiful natural scenery. The beauty captures my attention long enough for me to finish my walk without too much dread or internal whining that I have to exercise. When the rain started, it was just another element of interest. It felt creative. I was in the middle of a work of art. The art was composed of the interesting winding line of the path under my feet, the roots, leaves, and logs added texture, the trees all around stood in places of visual strength. The sky above added color and height, the squirrels and the huge hawk that flew close by me added movement and life. And then, the rain.... the rain added musical rhythm to the whole picture.

As I journeyed along the path, I felt like I was being watered with the sprinkles of raindrops. If I am to see myself as a living work of art, then I need water to thrive. Maybe that is one reason I have fallen in love with watercolors in my artwork. Water sustains life, and I love painting pictures filled with thriving life. It takes a generous amount of water to make the paint flow appropriately on paper. The rain that fell on me this evening really ministered to my soul by bringing refreshment and peace. At the end of the trail, I stood still, letting my breathing slow down, and I closed my eyes and focused on the rain falling on me for a few moments. I let the sense of peace and confidence be stirred up in my soul, and when I was ready, I proceeded to walk to my car. A bottle of water was waiting for me in the cup holder, so I re-hydrated myself with the bottle of water after being hydrated in my soul by the beautiful rain.

Can I Be Comfortable As My Own Canvas?

Cardstock paper, cold press paper, stretched cotton duck, masonite, indoor walls..... these all are surfaces - canvases - that I am familiar using in the creative process. I have various levels of experience with each canvas type. Some I use weekly, some a few times a year, but each time I create on a surface I get to know it a little better. I know how it responds to application of art mediums, and I find tips and tricks to make the creative process go a little smoother each time I create. Some mediums work on certain canvases that don't work on others. I know this, and I enjoy the process of finding out what works and what doesn't. When I do find a technique that works well and allows a creative idea to be displayed beautifully, I am delighted! That is one of the greatest joys of my life -- to create beautiful works of art.

But what if I consider myself to be a canvas?

This is a revelation that I had this week after battling a month-long bacterial infection. First I noticed myself becoming increasingly fatigued and drowsy. Then, I had pain in my joints. I missed a day of work, and had trouble getting through the next few days. It was frustrating. Then I had a few days where I started feeling a little better, but was not back to normal. Then, I felt it come back. The fatigue, sleepiness came stronger than before. I ended up with an ear infection. My mind was foggy and I had trouble focusing. I missed another day of work, and that was frustrating for me. I felt like I could not function. A round of antibiotics has seemed to kill off the bug, and as of yesterday I feel back to normal.

The problem is, that the "normal" I'm in isn't enough. I've also battled weight and health for many years. Maintaining my health has always been an issue for me. I guess that last round of infection has been the wake-up call for me. While I was at a doctor visit a week ago, the doctor addressed the issue of my elevated blood pressure, acid issues, and weight issue. He did get a little too harsh in my opinion, but he did say some things I probably needed to hear. I nearly was at the point of giving up on ever being at a healthy weight. I always want to get healthy, but getting there and staying there always seems elusive. I guess just hearing someone else state the facts of my condition was enough to inspire me to change.

I prayed about this whole issue, and was in a place of desperation. I needed to know what it will take to find victory in my health. I am tired of struggling. No particular diet, no program, no group, no organized strategy ever seemed to work for me. I've been to Weight Watchers more than once, even joined Overeater's Anonymous for a couple of years, I've tried the Atkins diet, Eat To Live, South Beach, did online programs. I have given up sugar for extended periods, tried going gluten free, did Daniel fasts, prayed before I ate, journaled, went to a counselor for a couple of years, entered in health accountability relationships..... I could go on. And all of those things are probably good things. But I haven't been able to maintain a healthy weight for longer than 2 years. Why? Why has it been so hard? It has seemed impossible.

I have been thinking about the "why" of that issue.. why can I seem to not succeed in my health. Through prayer, I felt the Lord leading me to consider my greatest strength, which is creativity. Maybe that would be the key to finding success with my health.

Okay, so that would make ME the canvas. That's a little odd to think about. Immediately, I get a little uncomfortable considering myself as a work of art. Art usually is shared or on display somewhere. Doesn't that sound a little -- well, bold and maybe conceited? Who am I to put myself in the world as art? Well, technically, the Lord did that when I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" in the womb and then delivered into the world. THAT even feels a little overly bold for me to declare. Yet, it is truth. And, I suppose if the Lord intended on me being created, He already views me as a work of art. The amazing thing seems to be that we, as part of His Creation, are able to partner with Him in the creative process of our growth and development.

2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."

We have started out as a work of art, and are continuing to be developed and further perfected as we walk with Him and let the Spirit mold us. We have a part to play in that process by surrendering, and taking care of ourselves. That is the part I'm having to do right now. Surrender and care for myself. But I am choosing to do it creatively and will have fun in the process. I think the word, discipline seems to evoke a negative feeling in me. It seems harsh and cold. But, in reality, I think if I start viewing discipline as an opportunity to creatively grow, maybe the fear associated with it will break.

Okay, so I am a canvas. I have already been in the creative process, but I am not finished yet. There are some things to be added, and some to be subtracted, and some to be reworked. I know some techniques that work, and some that don't. Just as I have found my "style" in my artwork, I will have to keep practicing, and keep up the creative process to find the style of eating, exercising, and fashioning that works for me.

The next step is figuring out what works.. I already have some idea, but I will take my time working it out. Instead of adopting one program or way of eating, I am going to just walk it out moment-by-moment. If something does not seem to work at all, or only for a day or season, then, that is fine. It is part of my creative process. I think, for me, it is dangerous to commit to a plan up-front, because when I get bored, or can't afford a program, or it doesn't work for me, I tend to consider that plan a failure. I do not see myself as a failure, just when I have decided a health program is not for me, I have seen that in the past as a failed endeavor when I don't finish a program or diet. I feel like I have to start all over from the beginning. But, maybe I just have to keep trying different things. It's all a part of the journey, and I see that now. I am thinking that if I just stay in the creative process with myself, that I will soon find myself back into a place of health. I am believing that viewing my journey in that light will bring about much more joy and peace!