This week has been quite a challenging one for me. It's one of those weeks where the setbacks and low points dominate, and it is hard to celebrate the high points.
The lowest point has been getting pulled over for speeding on Monday afternoon, and receiving quite an expensive ticket during that incident. The overwhelmingly painful sting in the situation was due to the fact that I was pulled over on the way to my "artist date." I was going to go adventuring and take photos of spring flowers and trees. The ticket pretty much ruined my creative mood, and I was pretty much a basket case for the next several hours. It was disheartening. Panic, guilt, and disappointment don't seem to fit me very well.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor for my follow-up visit since I was prescribed blood pressure medication and a new medication to help acid reflux. The doctor was really great, and talked me through my questions, concerns, and he shared a lot of information that was helpful. Still, the verdict is that I need to stay on my medications and monitor my eating, blood pressure, and reactions (if any) to the meds I'm on, and then go back in about 3 weeks with the data. I do not like this. I do not like writing the foods down that I eat. I don't like numbers. I don't like dealing with health issues.
I guess I just feel like I've been fussed at a lot this week. I feel like I've been wrong; like I am rebellious or something. I guess that is normal for an artist? ha! Creatively, I know I am flourishing, but in other areas, I'm not so sure anymore. It's funny how one week can bring so much feeling of victory and joy, and another week boldly exposes so much insecurity and imperfection.
I do not feel like a work of art this week. I feel like a mess. I feel like what happens when I have been creating an artwork that I feel good about and then all of a sudden I put too much paint on the paper and suddenly get lost and confused and not sure what to do next. I'm sure this feeling will pass, and I will figure things out. It might take some reworking, resting, and experimenting, but I'm sure I will find a creative way to keep going.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Walk This Way...
On Sunday afternoon, a friend of mine agreed to go walking with me. We had planned on checking out the golf course at Swannanoa River Rd and Fairview Rd. I noticed a perfect looking paved concrete trail amongst the golfing areas, and wondered if it would be a perfect, convenient place to walk. So, my friend and I met up and started our walk, and were gushing over how beautiful a place it was, and how long the paved pathways were. There were geese and trees, and lush green grass everywhere. It was exactly the kind of walking environment I have been searching for. I commented that it seemed too good to be true, and I noted that nobody else was walking on the path, and I wondered if we were supposed to be there. But, we kept going for several minutes. Both of us noted later that the guys who were golfing kept giving us looks, but I thought maybe we were just really beautiful in our workout outfits, that they couldn't help but stare!
Well, about 20 minutes into our walk, a man greeted us and informed us that walkers were usually prohibited from walking on the property due to safety issues. My friend and I said we were wondering about that, and I told him that the course seemed like a perfect place to walk so we thought we'd try. We finished the conversation, and then quickly started cutting across the green to go back to our cars. I was so disappointed. Of course, the perfect walking trail is illegal! I joked that we were rebels as we left the golfers to happily go back to their sport and not be bothered by two women trying to get healthy.
So, since I had walked the blue trail near the visitor's center on the Blue Ridge Parkway a couple of days before, I suggested we go there instead. So, we resumed our walk on the wooded trail. Both of us raved over the beautiful woods and all the interesting logs, moss, and textured bark on the trees. We had a splendid time chatting, and got in a great workout.
This is just one more example of what any creative process entails. Sometimes when I am creating an artwork, I think things are going great, and then all of a sudden something happens where I feel like I've ruined a piece, or a medium or tool is not working the way I want it to. Then there is a moment of disappointment and feeling like the piece is going to have to be thrown away. But, with a little imagination and the willingness to be flexible, I usually can take the artwork in a different direction and make something beautiful out of it. That is exactly what my friend and I did with our walk on Sunday. We had a moment of, "uh-oh" and then had to think creatively and instead of giving up and going home, we chose to walk in a different location, and in doing so, received our reward of a pleasant experience.
Well, about 20 minutes into our walk, a man greeted us and informed us that walkers were usually prohibited from walking on the property due to safety issues. My friend and I said we were wondering about that, and I told him that the course seemed like a perfect place to walk so we thought we'd try. We finished the conversation, and then quickly started cutting across the green to go back to our cars. I was so disappointed. Of course, the perfect walking trail is illegal! I joked that we were rebels as we left the golfers to happily go back to their sport and not be bothered by two women trying to get healthy.
So, since I had walked the blue trail near the visitor's center on the Blue Ridge Parkway a couple of days before, I suggested we go there instead. So, we resumed our walk on the wooded trail. Both of us raved over the beautiful woods and all the interesting logs, moss, and textured bark on the trees. We had a splendid time chatting, and got in a great workout.
This is just one more example of what any creative process entails. Sometimes when I am creating an artwork, I think things are going great, and then all of a sudden something happens where I feel like I've ruined a piece, or a medium or tool is not working the way I want it to. Then there is a moment of disappointment and feeling like the piece is going to have to be thrown away. But, with a little imagination and the willingness to be flexible, I usually can take the artwork in a different direction and make something beautiful out of it. That is exactly what my friend and I did with our walk on Sunday. We had a moment of, "uh-oh" and then had to think creatively and instead of giving up and going home, we chose to walk in a different location, and in doing so, received our reward of a pleasant experience.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Please, Water Me!
When I went to the doctor a couple of weeks ago, he put me on the blood pressure lowering medication HCTZ. It basically is a diuretic, so it pulls water out of my body in effort for me to not absorb too much salt and that brings down my blood pressure. The result is, I am thirsty and have to run to the potty all the time. It is just lovely the things medications do, isn't it? The truth is, I'm embarrassed to be on this medication; it feels like a punishment for all the bad choices I've made the past few years. All the trips to the local pizza buffet, the ooey-gooey German chocolate brownies from Ingles that I sneak out and buy from time to time, the evenings I chose to stay home and sit on the couch instead of taking a walk -- but today, all I really want is water.
The past two times I've gone out walking, the second half of my walks have been done in the rain. Just when I started to get tired and obsessively look at the clock on my phone, it started to rain, bringing refreshment to me. The rain added another dimension to my walk today. I chose to try the "blue" path on the Mountains to Sea trail at the Blue Ridge Parkway Visitor Center. Finally, I found a perfect trail near my house! It is challenging, but doable and surrounded by beautiful natural scenery. The beauty captures my attention long enough for me to finish my walk without too much dread or internal whining that I have to exercise. When the rain started, it was just another element of interest. It felt creative. I was in the middle of a work of art. The art was composed of the interesting winding line of the path under my feet, the roots, leaves, and logs added texture, the trees all around stood in places of visual strength. The sky above added color and height, the squirrels and the huge hawk that flew close by me added movement and life. And then, the rain.... the rain added musical rhythm to the whole picture.
As I journeyed along the path, I felt like I was being watered with the sprinkles of raindrops. If I am to see myself as a living work of art, then I need water to thrive. Maybe that is one reason I have fallen in love with watercolors in my artwork. Water sustains life, and I love painting pictures filled with thriving life. It takes a generous amount of water to make the paint flow appropriately on paper. The rain that fell on me this evening really ministered to my soul by bringing refreshment and peace. At the end of the trail, I stood still, letting my breathing slow down, and I closed my eyes and focused on the rain falling on me for a few moments. I let the sense of peace and confidence be stirred up in my soul, and when I was ready, I proceeded to walk to my car. A bottle of water was waiting for me in the cup holder, so I re-hydrated myself with the bottle of water after being hydrated in my soul by the beautiful rain.
The past two times I've gone out walking, the second half of my walks have been done in the rain. Just when I started to get tired and obsessively look at the clock on my phone, it started to rain, bringing refreshment to me. The rain added another dimension to my walk today. I chose to try the "blue" path on the Mountains to Sea trail at the Blue Ridge Parkway Visitor Center. Finally, I found a perfect trail near my house! It is challenging, but doable and surrounded by beautiful natural scenery. The beauty captures my attention long enough for me to finish my walk without too much dread or internal whining that I have to exercise. When the rain started, it was just another element of interest. It felt creative. I was in the middle of a work of art. The art was composed of the interesting winding line of the path under my feet, the roots, leaves, and logs added texture, the trees all around stood in places of visual strength. The sky above added color and height, the squirrels and the huge hawk that flew close by me added movement and life. And then, the rain.... the rain added musical rhythm to the whole picture.
As I journeyed along the path, I felt like I was being watered with the sprinkles of raindrops. If I am to see myself as a living work of art, then I need water to thrive. Maybe that is one reason I have fallen in love with watercolors in my artwork. Water sustains life, and I love painting pictures filled with thriving life. It takes a generous amount of water to make the paint flow appropriately on paper. The rain that fell on me this evening really ministered to my soul by bringing refreshment and peace. At the end of the trail, I stood still, letting my breathing slow down, and I closed my eyes and focused on the rain falling on me for a few moments. I let the sense of peace and confidence be stirred up in my soul, and when I was ready, I proceeded to walk to my car. A bottle of water was waiting for me in the cup holder, so I re-hydrated myself with the bottle of water after being hydrated in my soul by the beautiful rain.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The Struggle and Risk Of Getting Out There
Exercise. Even the word itself looks scary. When I think about the word exercise, I hear it in my head being said in a monstrously terrifying voice. The kind of voice that makes you shivery and cold and anxious.
I have known many people who are ridiculously obsessed with exercise. Those people are probably the ones reading this blog because they like to read anything about health. You know the type -- they get up at 4 am in the morning, put on their expensive athletic fitness "uniforms," take some sort of supplements that sculpt their faces into a permanent grin and make their eyes open wide and make them talk a million miles a minute and allow their legs to move just as fast. And then they proceed into their workouts with great delight and ravenous enthusiasm. They work out like they are training for the Olympics. And then they finish the final crescendo of the routine with an outburst of boisterous celebration.
Forgive me if you are such a person. Secretly, I sort of admire you when I am not thinking about how insane you are. I apologize, I just don't relate. No, I am the type of person who apparently needs lots of time to get motivated to take each step of a workout. It involves a massive amount of praying, arguing in my mind, fighting my feelings, and dragging myself into my room to change into my Walmart stretchy pants. Then, I finally get confident enough to proceed into EXXERRCCIIISEEE (muahahaha). I have to have lots of loud music on my iPod to drown out all the dread. Now, I must say, there is usually a moment of thrill and sincere euphoria in my workouts when the endorphins (whatever those are) decide they are having a party. But, then I get tired and start fighting off the overwhelming urge to stop. Or praying deliverance prayers over the tempting fantasy to go to the drive-thru at a nearby restaurant and order a chocolate milkshake. The end of the workout is marked by a declaration of "Thank You Jesus, I survived!."
This week I have worked out 3 days in a row so far. The first day, I walked in my neighborhood for nearly an hour. I did not intend on it being that long; there are lots of hills in the subdivision. And when I say hills, I mean mini-mountains. So, there were several moments of slowing and pausing so that I would not have an asthma attack and pass out. I'm thinking that may have been a little much for day one. But hey, I survived. Day two, I did a 30 minute Leslie Sansone walk aerobics workout video. Leslie Sansone is the only one I truly enjoy working out to as far as videos go. Her programs are simple and realistic. Day 3 was today. I went to a local soccer park complex and tried to walk there. The terrain was better, but there was no real walking trail. And the road I walked on had a little too much traffic for me to feel safe. But, again, I got in nearly an hour of walking.
Since I am relating this health journey to the creative process, I would like to talk about risk. There is always a risk when you get out of your comfort zone and go put yourself out into the world. The first day I walked, I pushed myself a little too hard and had mild asthma complications afterwards. Today, I had to jump out of the way several times when cars came by. I know, those things probably sound tame, but it is still a risk.
I'm also taking a risk putting myself out there in the creative process. I feel more vulnerable than ever right now, and, am far out of my comfort zone. People are starting to comment on my journey and I know eventually the physical results will be noticeable. Putting my paintings out in the world is a personal thing, and can be unnerving sometimes. But, this involves my actual self, and therefore I am feeling very exposed.
My plan is to keep mixing up the workouts, seeing each one as an opportunity to be a little adventurous. I might even take my camera along sometimes and see if there are any "treasures" along the way to capture in photographs. Maybe, I'll even decide to raise my tolerance for workouts from a level of loathing to like. But, you can be sure it will not be at 4 in the morning.
I have known many people who are ridiculously obsessed with exercise. Those people are probably the ones reading this blog because they like to read anything about health. You know the type -- they get up at 4 am in the morning, put on their expensive athletic fitness "uniforms," take some sort of supplements that sculpt their faces into a permanent grin and make their eyes open wide and make them talk a million miles a minute and allow their legs to move just as fast. And then they proceed into their workouts with great delight and ravenous enthusiasm. They work out like they are training for the Olympics. And then they finish the final crescendo of the routine with an outburst of boisterous celebration.
Forgive me if you are such a person. Secretly, I sort of admire you when I am not thinking about how insane you are. I apologize, I just don't relate. No, I am the type of person who apparently needs lots of time to get motivated to take each step of a workout. It involves a massive amount of praying, arguing in my mind, fighting my feelings, and dragging myself into my room to change into my Walmart stretchy pants. Then, I finally get confident enough to proceed into EXXERRCCIIISEEE (muahahaha). I have to have lots of loud music on my iPod to drown out all the dread. Now, I must say, there is usually a moment of thrill and sincere euphoria in my workouts when the endorphins (whatever those are) decide they are having a party. But, then I get tired and start fighting off the overwhelming urge to stop. Or praying deliverance prayers over the tempting fantasy to go to the drive-thru at a nearby restaurant and order a chocolate milkshake. The end of the workout is marked by a declaration of "Thank You Jesus, I survived!."
This week I have worked out 3 days in a row so far. The first day, I walked in my neighborhood for nearly an hour. I did not intend on it being that long; there are lots of hills in the subdivision. And when I say hills, I mean mini-mountains. So, there were several moments of slowing and pausing so that I would not have an asthma attack and pass out. I'm thinking that may have been a little much for day one. But hey, I survived. Day two, I did a 30 minute Leslie Sansone walk aerobics workout video. Leslie Sansone is the only one I truly enjoy working out to as far as videos go. Her programs are simple and realistic. Day 3 was today. I went to a local soccer park complex and tried to walk there. The terrain was better, but there was no real walking trail. And the road I walked on had a little too much traffic for me to feel safe. But, again, I got in nearly an hour of walking.
Since I am relating this health journey to the creative process, I would like to talk about risk. There is always a risk when you get out of your comfort zone and go put yourself out into the world. The first day I walked, I pushed myself a little too hard and had mild asthma complications afterwards. Today, I had to jump out of the way several times when cars came by. I know, those things probably sound tame, but it is still a risk.
I'm also taking a risk putting myself out there in the creative process. I feel more vulnerable than ever right now, and, am far out of my comfort zone. People are starting to comment on my journey and I know eventually the physical results will be noticeable. Putting my paintings out in the world is a personal thing, and can be unnerving sometimes. But, this involves my actual self, and therefore I am feeling very exposed.
My plan is to keep mixing up the workouts, seeing each one as an opportunity to be a little adventurous. I might even take my camera along sometimes and see if there are any "treasures" along the way to capture in photographs. Maybe, I'll even decide to raise my tolerance for workouts from a level of loathing to like. But, you can be sure it will not be at 4 in the morning.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Can I Be Comfortable As My Own Canvas?
Cardstock paper, cold press paper, stretched cotton duck, masonite, indoor walls..... these all are surfaces - canvases - that I am familiar using in the creative process. I have various levels of experience with each canvas type. Some I use weekly, some a few times a year, but each time I create on a surface I get to know it a little better. I know how it responds to application of art mediums, and I find tips and tricks to make the creative process go a little smoother each time I create. Some mediums work on certain canvases that don't work on others. I know this, and I enjoy the process of finding out what works and what doesn't. When I do find a technique that works well and allows a creative idea to be displayed beautifully, I am delighted! That is one of the greatest joys of my life -- to create beautiful works of art.
But what if I consider myself to be a canvas?
This is a revelation that I had this week after battling a month-long bacterial infection. First I noticed myself becoming increasingly fatigued and drowsy. Then, I had pain in my joints. I missed a day of work, and had trouble getting through the next few days. It was frustrating. Then I had a few days where I started feeling a little better, but was not back to normal. Then, I felt it come back. The fatigue, sleepiness came stronger than before. I ended up with an ear infection. My mind was foggy and I had trouble focusing. I missed another day of work, and that was frustrating for me. I felt like I could not function. A round of antibiotics has seemed to kill off the bug, and as of yesterday I feel back to normal.
The problem is, that the "normal" I'm in isn't enough. I've also battled weight and health for many years. Maintaining my health has always been an issue for me. I guess that last round of infection has been the wake-up call for me. While I was at a doctor visit a week ago, the doctor addressed the issue of my elevated blood pressure, acid issues, and weight issue. He did get a little too harsh in my opinion, but he did say some things I probably needed to hear. I nearly was at the point of giving up on ever being at a healthy weight. I always want to get healthy, but getting there and staying there always seems elusive. I guess just hearing someone else state the facts of my condition was enough to inspire me to change.
I prayed about this whole issue, and was in a place of desperation. I needed to know what it will take to find victory in my health. I am tired of struggling. No particular diet, no program, no group, no organized strategy ever seemed to work for me. I've been to Weight Watchers more than once, even joined Overeater's Anonymous for a couple of years, I've tried the Atkins diet, Eat To Live, South Beach, did online programs. I have given up sugar for extended periods, tried going gluten free, did Daniel fasts, prayed before I ate, journaled, went to a counselor for a couple of years, entered in health accountability relationships..... I could go on. And all of those things are probably good things. But I haven't been able to maintain a healthy weight for longer than 2 years. Why? Why has it been so hard? It has seemed impossible.
I have been thinking about the "why" of that issue.. why can I seem to not succeed in my health. Through prayer, I felt the Lord leading me to consider my greatest strength, which is creativity. Maybe that would be the key to finding success with my health.
Okay, so that would make ME the canvas. That's a little odd to think about. Immediately, I get a little uncomfortable considering myself as a work of art. Art usually is shared or on display somewhere. Doesn't that sound a little -- well, bold and maybe conceited? Who am I to put myself in the world as art? Well, technically, the Lord did that when I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" in the womb and then delivered into the world. THAT even feels a little overly bold for me to declare. Yet, it is truth. And, I suppose if the Lord intended on me being created, He already views me as a work of art. The amazing thing seems to be that we, as part of His Creation, are able to partner with Him in the creative process of our growth and development.
2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."
We have started out as a work of art, and are continuing to be developed and further perfected as we walk with Him and let the Spirit mold us. We have a part to play in that process by surrendering, and taking care of ourselves. That is the part I'm having to do right now. Surrender and care for myself. But I am choosing to do it creatively and will have fun in the process. I think the word, discipline seems to evoke a negative feeling in me. It seems harsh and cold. But, in reality, I think if I start viewing discipline as an opportunity to creatively grow, maybe the fear associated with it will break.
Okay, so I am a canvas. I have already been in the creative process, but I am not finished yet. There are some things to be added, and some to be subtracted, and some to be reworked. I know some techniques that work, and some that don't. Just as I have found my "style" in my artwork, I will have to keep practicing, and keep up the creative process to find the style of eating, exercising, and fashioning that works for me.
The next step is figuring out what works.. I already have some idea, but I will take my time working it out. Instead of adopting one program or way of eating, I am going to just walk it out moment-by-moment. If something does not seem to work at all, or only for a day or season, then, that is fine. It is part of my creative process. I think, for me, it is dangerous to commit to a plan up-front, because when I get bored, or can't afford a program, or it doesn't work for me, I tend to consider that plan a failure. I do not see myself as a failure, just when I have decided a health program is not for me, I have seen that in the past as a failed endeavor when I don't finish a program or diet. I feel like I have to start all over from the beginning. But, maybe I just have to keep trying different things. It's all a part of the journey, and I see that now. I am thinking that if I just stay in the creative process with myself, that I will soon find myself back into a place of health. I am believing that viewing my journey in that light will bring about much more joy and peace!
But what if I consider myself to be a canvas?
This is a revelation that I had this week after battling a month-long bacterial infection. First I noticed myself becoming increasingly fatigued and drowsy. Then, I had pain in my joints. I missed a day of work, and had trouble getting through the next few days. It was frustrating. Then I had a few days where I started feeling a little better, but was not back to normal. Then, I felt it come back. The fatigue, sleepiness came stronger than before. I ended up with an ear infection. My mind was foggy and I had trouble focusing. I missed another day of work, and that was frustrating for me. I felt like I could not function. A round of antibiotics has seemed to kill off the bug, and as of yesterday I feel back to normal.
The problem is, that the "normal" I'm in isn't enough. I've also battled weight and health for many years. Maintaining my health has always been an issue for me. I guess that last round of infection has been the wake-up call for me. While I was at a doctor visit a week ago, the doctor addressed the issue of my elevated blood pressure, acid issues, and weight issue. He did get a little too harsh in my opinion, but he did say some things I probably needed to hear. I nearly was at the point of giving up on ever being at a healthy weight. I always want to get healthy, but getting there and staying there always seems elusive. I guess just hearing someone else state the facts of my condition was enough to inspire me to change.
I prayed about this whole issue, and was in a place of desperation. I needed to know what it will take to find victory in my health. I am tired of struggling. No particular diet, no program, no group, no organized strategy ever seemed to work for me. I've been to Weight Watchers more than once, even joined Overeater's Anonymous for a couple of years, I've tried the Atkins diet, Eat To Live, South Beach, did online programs. I have given up sugar for extended periods, tried going gluten free, did Daniel fasts, prayed before I ate, journaled, went to a counselor for a couple of years, entered in health accountability relationships..... I could go on. And all of those things are probably good things. But I haven't been able to maintain a healthy weight for longer than 2 years. Why? Why has it been so hard? It has seemed impossible.
I have been thinking about the "why" of that issue.. why can I seem to not succeed in my health. Through prayer, I felt the Lord leading me to consider my greatest strength, which is creativity. Maybe that would be the key to finding success with my health.
Okay, so that would make ME the canvas. That's a little odd to think about. Immediately, I get a little uncomfortable considering myself as a work of art. Art usually is shared or on display somewhere. Doesn't that sound a little -- well, bold and maybe conceited? Who am I to put myself in the world as art? Well, technically, the Lord did that when I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" in the womb and then delivered into the world. THAT even feels a little overly bold for me to declare. Yet, it is truth. And, I suppose if the Lord intended on me being created, He already views me as a work of art. The amazing thing seems to be that we, as part of His Creation, are able to partner with Him in the creative process of our growth and development.
2 Corinthians 3:18 says, "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit."
We have started out as a work of art, and are continuing to be developed and further perfected as we walk with Him and let the Spirit mold us. We have a part to play in that process by surrendering, and taking care of ourselves. That is the part I'm having to do right now. Surrender and care for myself. But I am choosing to do it creatively and will have fun in the process. I think the word, discipline seems to evoke a negative feeling in me. It seems harsh and cold. But, in reality, I think if I start viewing discipline as an opportunity to creatively grow, maybe the fear associated with it will break.
Okay, so I am a canvas. I have already been in the creative process, but I am not finished yet. There are some things to be added, and some to be subtracted, and some to be reworked. I know some techniques that work, and some that don't. Just as I have found my "style" in my artwork, I will have to keep practicing, and keep up the creative process to find the style of eating, exercising, and fashioning that works for me.
The next step is figuring out what works.. I already have some idea, but I will take my time working it out. Instead of adopting one program or way of eating, I am going to just walk it out moment-by-moment. If something does not seem to work at all, or only for a day or season, then, that is fine. It is part of my creative process. I think, for me, it is dangerous to commit to a plan up-front, because when I get bored, or can't afford a program, or it doesn't work for me, I tend to consider that plan a failure. I do not see myself as a failure, just when I have decided a health program is not for me, I have seen that in the past as a failed endeavor when I don't finish a program or diet. I feel like I have to start all over from the beginning. But, maybe I just have to keep trying different things. It's all a part of the journey, and I see that now. I am thinking that if I just stay in the creative process with myself, that I will soon find myself back into a place of health. I am believing that viewing my journey in that light will bring about much more joy and peace!
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